Since the election, everyone is probably as tired as I am of the entire Red State/Blue State analysis that has been pouring forth like well water in Disney’s Fantasia. This late in the process, I hesitate to even mention the topic.

However, this guest-blogging gig, lucrative though it is, cannot last forever. I need to think about the future — my future. Where some people see dissention and acrimony, I (from my lawyer training) see a lucrative opportunity. I would therefore like to take advantage of this free forum to announce my availability as an Executive Image Consultant for the New Democrat Party.

Shortly after the election (prior to the recent tsunami, widely considered the “worst disaster in human history”), there was a temptation amongst some Democrats to reexamine their policies and positions in an attempt to gain ground with moderate voters. This temptation, however, appears to have been fought off rather successfully. A majority of the pundits have instead focused on creating a new image, rather than making any substantive changes in their actual positions. This calls for marketing, and I would like to offer my services. As someone living in a very red state, I can assist you in repackaging the same message into something a little more palatable to a typical “red state” voter.

While I do not want to give away my services, I can offer a brief example in the hopes of showing the Democrat party my value. The real focus of this new marketing campaign, as put by a poster on one private message board I lurk on, is “how to reach out to the buck-toothed Neanderthals in those red states.” (only a slight paraphrase)

This is tip number one:

Avoid using phrases like “buck-toothed Neanderthal” when speaking to red state voters. There is the tiniest chance that one or two of those voters will crack your code and begin to question your attempts to drag him from the dark pits of his own ignorance into the light of reason.

Other phrases to avoid:

“ignorant, in-bred trailer trash”

“knuckle-dragging, cousin-kissing Jesus freak”

“racist, homophobic, red-necked Nazi”

I will admit that my advice is in stark contrast to that being offered by many consultants who are also out to help the Democratic Party:

“We must learn to speak to all of the people. But we mustn’t be afraid to sneer when we do it. . . . [U]ntil you finally learn to respect yourselves, we can’t respect you, and we therefore can’t be bothered to give a rat’s ass about you.”
- a self-proclaimed representative of “The New Democrat Outreach Program” Source

Similarly, Jane Smiley feels that it would be better to woo new “red state” voters in a “dialogue” with them by referring to them as some combination of “sexist, racist, and homophobic” or perhaps “greedy, pompous, or ignorant.” Source

There are more examples. They are, in fact, too numerous to even begin to cover them.

Okay. I’ll be the first to admit that those are pretty catchy slogans and I can certainly understand why Democrats find them appealing — but I think that I can do better. And really, looking back over the results of the past 4 years — could I do much worse for you?

So, please, when the “New Democratic Outreach Program” begins, please think of using my services. I assure you, my advice is not nearly as costly as the advice of the people you listened to for the last election.

Steven L.